Sunday, September 7, 2008

A chapter is made up of pages. And pages take time to write.
But at the beginning, the sight of many blank pages ahead inspire different feelings in different authors. Anticipation, excitement, nervousness, dread.
So it is with starting this new chapter of my life. The old has gone, the new has come, huh?
Moving out for the first time, starting medical school, preparing for a wedding...all of these are huge changes. Emotional ones too.

Moving to Hamilton has been a little bit scary, not only because Hamilton is a bit of a shady town, but because for the first time, I have to make it on my own with very little social support. I have my friends, who are a long-distance phone call or an email away. I have new friends, whom I don't know well. I can't depend on my parents to housekeep, cook or do laundry for me anymore. My fiancé lives in another country. For the past few weeks, I've felt a little bit like I'm treading water, just trying to keep my head above the waves. It hasn't been so bad, though I've never been good at treading water. I tire easily, and thankfully, the feeling of treading water is slowly fading away. My friends, old and new, have assured me that they're there for me, I'm learning my way around, my fiancé continuously assures me of his love and support of me and my parents still call almost every day. I'm having fun learning, socializing, exploring, adapting. The transition has been smooth, and God has been good to me. I have learned foresight to cook food for the next few meals.

Fitting in around campus has also not been so easy. Although taking part in campus groups and meeting other Mac students has been fun, the inevitable question always comes: "What do you study?" Do I avoid the question? Do I give an incomplete response? Because every time I admit that I'm a first year medical student, there's some kind of strange reaction of shock and awe. The person invariably takes a step back, or widens their eyes, or waves their arms around, or does something else to convey their excitement. And then the barrage of questions come, about what medical school is like and if I can give them tips to get in or how to study or how I must be "so smart" to have gotten into med school. I can't tell them I think it's a fluke; their disbelief would overwhelm me. But it's true, I feel like the most unintelligent person in my class, an imposter, and that one of these days, someone will realize that I shouldn't have gotten in. That my admission was almost a stroke of common chance. I'm told that most first year medical students feel this way, which comforts me marginally. I'm also told not to worry because it's next to impossible to fail out of medical school. That's also marginally comforting but doesn't completely assuage my fears. It begs the question: "So there's that one person who does...?"

Starting medical school has been another change of a different nature. Embarking on this path to a new career, one of such high profile and great expectation, is both exciting and a little intimidating. I feel like I'm at that place again: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" What do I want to apply for residency in? What do I want to specialize in? What do I want to do for the rest of my life? How is society going to see me and what is expected of me? It's almost like I've opened up this door and I'm blinding by this beautiful and brilliant light on the other side. Maybe things will become clearer in a years time.

The most stable change in my life has been my engagement and upcoming marriage. Not only have I had a deep assurance that this is the right thing to do and am building on a beautiful relationship, my fiancé has been the rock solid moral support figure throughout the million and one changes I feel are happening in my life. Yes, this is probably the biggest change of all, and all my colleages call me "adventurous" for planning a wedding and honeymoon during my one week of summer vacation next August, but it is the one thing I am most comfortable with and most sure of. This journey of exploring and developing this relationship is, and is going to be, so exciting.

Chapters are interesting. This one will probably span a forseeable decade, filled with emotion and action.They take a long time to write, but when written well, are also very beautiful to read.